Men: 3 Keys To Gain More Respect In Your Marriage

If you are married to a strong woman who does not always see things eye to eye with you, there are practical things you can do to make your wife feel more secure in your leadership in times of transition or tension.

Ephesians 5:25-33 The Message

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church~ a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. EVERYTHING he DOES AND SAYS is designed to bring the BEST out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that his how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re doing themselves a favor`since they’re already “one” in marriage. No one abuses his body, does he? No, he feeds and PAMPERS it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church since we are part of the body.

3 Keys To Make Your Wife Respect YOUR Leadership

  1. When you go to make a decision that you think your wife will have a different opinion on, do this: Pray for this ~ Father, I am trying to make the best decision I can, but I want you to know I am open to doing it differently. Ask him to confirm to you through your wife if this is a right direction. Then go to your wife, and tell her I HAVE BEEN PRAYING ABOUT THIS and I WANT YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS. This is going to produce multiple things for you as a leader. First, your wife is going to feel more secure that you’re praying about decisions that impact her and the kids. Second, she’s going to feel valued that you had asked her opinion before you plowed ahead.
  2. If she disagrees with a decision, tell her: Thank you, I hadn’t seen that side of it, I am going to go back to God now (or talk to another leader about this before executing) and see if this is the right decision. The biggest mistakes are made when you are isolated, you have no male friends to run any resolution’s by and you’re trying to lead into new territory with no “intel” (you’re not reading books on the topic/talking to your sources who might know the region better or otherwise you’re just hoping you’re going to be successful with literally no training, preparation or advanced weaponry (prayer). If men looked at their marriages and families with a military perspective, they would be much more willing to get additional support in difficult seasons in their family.
  3. Take ownership of the results in your marriage and your family. This isn’t just a wedding tip though it will make your wife BRAG on your leadership, it’s a business teaming tip. Leadership means YOU OWN THE RESULTS no matter what happened or what goes wrong. That’s why most people don’t build successful long-term visions. It’s not your wife’s fault, it’s not your kid’s fault. It’s not the ministry or business team that was not cooperating or rebellious. It’s your ability to pray and lead effectively. Everything rises and falls on your leadership. Leadership is being willing to be evaluated, taking ownership when things go wrong without shift blaming and changing your style if what you’re doing isn’t working. You don’t need a year to examine your results. Sometimes Jay and I could see results from a decision in 2 days, sometimes two months. Jay has always been willing to change what isn’t working which had made me trust him more even during times when things seemed like they were going south.

Bottom line. We don’t want to be ordinary Christian leaders. We want to finish strong and win the war our culture is in. To win, you’re going to have to be willing to be different which is why I create communities. Need support to grow your leadership? Join my Leadership Team, your spouse receives a membership for no extra cost.

Love, Bec:)

Becky Harmon is an identity coach, intercessor and business leader. Her success in these arenas has placed her in demand as a personal advisor to ministry and marketplace leaders world-wide. Her personal experience of growing up in an alcoholic home, struggling with how to overcome food & alcohol addictions, depression, and financial sabotages through her identity in Christ rather than self-help, led her to develop her own out of the box coaching systems. To discover the specific attacks that accompany each part of your walk with Christ and the strategies you can implement to be an overcomer,  order 4 Phases of Spiritual Warfare. Available on Amazon and Kindle. 

4 Steps To Overcoming Attacks Of Sexual Identity Confusion

Sexual identity confusion can be a spiritual oppression that can be put in place when individuals are molested by members of the same-sex, exposed to pornography or coerced into sexual experimentation before marriage. There are times when this is an inter-generational stronghold that has to be broken off in prayer.  My objective with my testimony (and I shared this message on my mission trip to Uganda)  is not to be graphic or inflammatory but to help you precisely understand how to process through the attacks of condemnation the enemy brings.

When I was 12  years old, I spent the night with a much older girl who was fully developed, sexually active and of course I was not at the time. Of course you think I would have clued into the fact of why would a much older girl want to spend her weekend with me but nope I didn’t get it!  She introduced me to games and experimentation with my body and hers.  This was my first encounter with my sexuality and experiences that ideally should have taken place within the context of marriage. I was old enough to know this was wrong but was starved for affirmation so for months I engaged in this behavior and hoped no one would find out about it. I certainly didn’t tell my mom. It felt like just a blip on my life screen at the time. Sure I hoped no one would find out but I thought in my immature mind this was an isolated event that would have no impact.

Then, when I was a couple of years older, I “happened” upon some pornography in a school setting (of all places) that was filled with images of women in various poses of undress. This again led to more behavior that led me to channel tension in an inappropriate way.  Then, I met my first boyfriend. I was already engaged in images, feelings and constant sexual tension that made me feel impure so what was one more step to losing my virginity?

Then, (and you can see the progression here) we broke up, and I moved on to more experiences that just reinforced that I had nothing to value or guard. Added to this was now one of the primary ways I became stimulated was by images of women. In my late teens, I began to wonder if I was bi-sexual or gay.  Massive sexual identity confusion for me and there was no way I was going to share this with anyone so more squashing and more hiding, desperately hoping no one would find out really who I was at the core. A dirty little girl.

I received Christ in college and wouldn’t it be nice if all those memories washed away under the blood of Christ? Well, they didn’t. I knew intellectually what the word of God said about my new identity but how to establish that was pretty foreign to me. So today, I want to share some things with you that I wish someone would have walked me through as clarity came,  but I had to fight tooth and nail for it.

I believe that today God want’s to deliver many of you from the guilt and torment this has created for you so you can pursue the destiny God has on your life. You need to understand that the struggle you are in is typical for Christians who have not been taught, been guarded or opened up the door themselves to oppression with wrong choices.

To begin I want to give you two scriptures for context and coaching.

In the book of Ecclesiastes it says there is an appointed time for everything. A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.…Simply put,  when you engage in sexual experiences in the wrong time, it creates nothing but temptation, spiritual warfare and death. .

“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your body,” (1 Cor. 6:19-20)

1. Have you acknowledged this and repented? You have obtained a great victory and weapon. The blood of Jesus. It consecrates, it sanctifies and now you are holy and set apart if you have invited Christ into your heart.  Begin with repentance if you have not already taken this to the Lord. Understand God is here to set you free from condemnation not add to it. Let him set you free from the shame and understand this unfortunately can happen and it does not need to define you or your sexuality.

2. Know that just because you repented, it doesn’t mean the images are gone, the chemical imprint this has made on your mind and body (this is why addictions are so hard to kick) and the shame you FEEL and walk in will not necessarily be gone. Now you have to deal with pulling down the vain imagination that got set up through the experience. It will take time to deal with in prayer!  I have seen people delivered instantaneously and then I have had seen people have to pull down strongholds for five years. God is God and you can’t put him a box or time so just get ready to do the work without stressing about why it’s taking so long. Expect your free and then stand in your freedom!

3. Guard your mind and your eyeballs from this point on. We are constantly bombed with sexual images in magazines and TV non-stop. Don’t linger on anything visually that causes you to rehearse images or experiences. If you find your mind is wandering backwards, without stress or condemnation, plead the blood of Jesus over your mind and thank God for your victory. You have been washed clean. It’s a fact and feelings will follow what you establish CONSISTENTLY. You may have to do this 20 times a day.

4. Practice the presence of God daily. Read his word, block time to walk and worship him, and just ask the Holy Spirit to begin to lead you in a life of sanctification, holiness, and power. He DESIRES to help you feel deeply loved, highly favored and know your value. Surround yourself with people who want the same. You will become who you hang out with. If your hanging out with God and his people, you are naturally going to grow in grace and power.

Do you have a desire to walk in more clarity and freedom? Then listen to my 12 Transformational Truths audio and get started impacting people with your life!

Love, Bec:)

Becky Harmon is an identity coach, intercessor and business leader. Her success in these arenas has placed her in demand as a personal advisor to ministry and marketplace leaders world-wide. Her personal experience of growing up in an alcoholic home, struggling with how to overcome food & alcohol addictions, depression, and financial sabotages through her identity in Christ rather than self-help, led her to develop her own out of the box coaching systems. To discover the specific attacks that accompany each part of your walk with Christ and the strategies you can implement to be an overcomer,  order 4 Phases of Spiritual Warfare. Available on Amazon and Kindle. 

Passive Aggressive Behaviors

Watch out for passive aggressive behaviors in your life and with others. It will kill your clarity, momentum, and the truth is YOU are responsible as a Christian to guard your peace. If you don’t do that, you won’t grow a bold identity as a Christian!

At the heart of permitted this behavior in your life is a lack of leadership or ability to ask the questions that will bring clarity to fear. Typically people who are passive aggressive have grown up in homes where one parent was controlling or addictive, and the other parent was a passive/enabler.  This person is usually SATURATED with idolatry and it won’t come down without you really being willing to stand through the tension.

Passive aggressive people expect to be disrespected or taken advantage of eventually, so they jump to conclusions when there is the least amount of miscommunication or mistakes made. They BELIEVE they are disrepected at the core of their identity and it’s become WHO THEY ARE IDENTITY WISE. They are also great at excuse making about their behavior which is why it takes so much energy and time to deal with these kinds of people. If this is in your response patterns, you have to get militant about addressing this as it has most of the time been in your family for generations. Most of the time if it’s addressed,  they not only deny it but turn it around so that you feel shamed or doubt you saw it.

Passive aggressive leaders surround themselves with enablers, so it’s classic crazy town banana pants feeling for anyone who attempts to address it. The challenge in business is time is money, so honestly, you have to evaluate if this is the kind of partnership you want in your life as it’s a massive financial leak to your profits and marketing.

So, how do you know you’re dealing with a leader or business owner who is passive aggressive? Here’re some characteristics:

They tell you they are going to take care of it but “forget” regularly

They triangulate to others in the family in team rather than directing their questions to the person who can change the situation

Everything seems fine and then all the sudden they just email you about how disappointed they are with you or your performance.

They keep pushing the boundaries until you explode because they don’t want to be the one who initiated the conflict

They ask you to deal with confrontation for them because they are too busy or you are “great” at being diplomatic

They won’t deal with individuals one on one but rather address the offense in a group setting by alluding to the problem

You will hear them always complain about how they are not respected, or they just keep getting taking advantage of over and over again

They cut people off relationally, but then when they see them publicly in front of others they pretend all is well

They show favorites depending on who is affirming them

They can point out every little detail of how you failed but don’t take any ownership in how they failed to lead.

They always have an excuse for why they couldn’t finish a project or why it didn’t work out

So how do you deal with these kinds of friends, business acquaintances, and family in your life? First of all, address their behavior as passive-aggressive but guard your heart and time with them! If you decide to confront them, have in mind the decision or action you will be taking ahead so that you get to put it in play.

Next, don’t second guess yourself. Passive aggressive people have a way of making you feel like it’s your fault when they are minimizing or manipulating you. If you think uh-oh feeling, most likely, you are right. Pray for them to receive the truth but again, don’t come under the fear they try to intimidate you with. Limit your time with them unless they acknowledge their issues.

Lastly, and this is the most important. You HAVE to set very clear boundaries with them without guilt. If they are attempting to control you, just let them know up front precisely what actions you will be taking and then EXECUTE every time. If you don’t, you have taught them that you are negotiable.

Remember, boldness means you can’t back up when there is tension. Hold your ground, establish your authority and stay focused on your mission. Don’t let passive aggressive people distract you from accomplishing the work that God has put you here for! Need help with building a bolder identity at this point in your life? Join my Leadership Team and receive the mentoring you need to stay consistent and clear!

Faith Forward! Bec:)

Becky Harmon is an identity coach, intercessor and business leader. Her success in these arenas has placed her in demand as a personal advisor to ministry and marketplace leaders world-wide. Her personal experience of growing up in an alcoholic home, struggling with how to overcome food & alcohol addictions, depression, and financial sabotages through her identity in Christ rather than self-help, led her to develop her own out of the box coaching systems. To discover the specific attacks that accompany each part of your walk with Christ and the strategies you can implement to be an overcomer,  order 4 Phases of Spiritual Warfare. Available on Amazon and Kindle. 

Women Who Wait: Submission Done Wrong

There are a couple leadership qualities that will really make your life and marriage better. Today, I want to share this scripture with you in the context of communicating boldly in your marriage.

“For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14

 Do you feel frustrated with your husband’s lack of action about what you think needs to be done? Well, here’s the truth, sometimes men are not aware there is a problem to the level that God is revealing to you.  After training thousands of women, here are couple general mindset shifts that will help you become a wife that get’s results in her home. 

1. Submission does not mean you know what needs to be done and wait for your husband or anyone else for to read your mind, execute and take action. You can eliminate a lot of tension by going to your husband and saying, “Hey, there is a problem with the dryer, or this or that. I was thinking of solving it by doing this and this. What are your thoughts? I am going to make a decision by Friday. If he says, ” I will handle it”, then give him time to work on it and go back if it’s not resolved in a couple days and ask him when he expects to solve it. There have been many times when Jay was going to deal with something and then work came up and got in the way and after a week or so, he just turned it over to me to resolve. Healthy teaming and intimacy has an ETA or everyone get’s frustrated.

2. If there is something deeply burdening you, communicate it to your husband and ask him to agree with you in prayer for a solution. NOW.  God made women emotionally based for a reason. Passionate spirit-led emotions can actually be part of your leadership qualities. We are passionate and that means the problem is going to get solved, like now. I can tell you most men are working so hard to provide for their families they are not always paying attention to what God reveals to you.  Bring to your husbands attention anything you believe needs to be addressed and then ask him if he will agree with you while YOU pray over it. You do not need to wait for him to come to you and say, “Honey, I have been up at 4am praying for the hearts of our children to be slathered in the purposes of God for their life”  The power of agreement and unity is so powerful and what you place your focus on get’s resolved.  When your walking the dog or driving to the store, just pray and ask him to agree with you. Don’t get all religious about who asks who to pray. Most men didn’t grow up with praying Fathers. That’s a mantle you can create for your family in your generation if your bold enough. It also doesn’t have to mean you’re up-surping or emasculating your husband. Get over who starts prayer and just pray for goodness sake. 

3. If you are under consistent oppression in a certain area than ask for help and be willing to try what he suggests without discounting it.  Leadership is usually developed in tension & crisis which is why the military begins there advanced training by giving you 100 obstacles to overcome and seeing how you respond. 

Looking back over the past 30 years, most of all my growth came from times in our marriage where I was reluctant because of my own insecurity to follow through on what he was asking me to do. We were experiencing lack of provision, vision and unity. Jay asked me to go to work and I didn’t want to or I wanted to work and he asked me to stay home. (Both times I was resistant). So many times women are like, “Well, I believe God told me to do this and my husband wants me to that. Ah, no unity means something is off with the picture. Go back into prayer again and again until you get the word of the Lord on how to proceed. There is literally only 2 times out of 28 years when I told my husband, this is a no go for me. I feel very strongly about it and was willing to endure the tension that would produce (and the fruit was excellent) every other time despite my fear I tried what he was suggesting and it worked out in the end. I am not an easy sell when I don’t like the idea so I am telling err on the side of yielding unless you have heard directly from the Lord and have the clarity to stand during the warfare. This works for business too.

The bottom line is follow your husband’s leadership like you want people to respect and follow you. Do you want a bunch of pansies around you, sucking up and waiting on you to do everything because they just want to blame shift to you if it doesn’t work out? Then don’t do that to your husband. Run your house, run your business, make mistakes, give grace during failure and keep going! 

Galatians 6:9 says, “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” Stepping up to the plate in boldness is a process and sometimes there are setbacks. No one’s leadership is perfect but we can all try to work together and gain more courage.

Need to grow a courageous and identity that executes? My Leadership Team is here to support you! Love, Bec:)

Becky Harmon is an identity coach, intercessor and business leader. Her success in these arenas has placed her in demand as a personal advisor to ministry and marketplace leaders world-wide. Her personal experience of growing up in an alcoholic home, struggling with how to overcome food & alcohol addictions, depression, and financial sabotages through her identity in Christ rather than self-help, led her to develop her own out of the box coaching systems. To discover the specific attacks that accompany each part of your walk with Christ and the strategies you can implement to be an overcomer,  order 4 Phases of Spiritual Warfare. Available on Amazon and Kindle. 

How To Write A Book

Wondering how to write a book or coaching manual? Well, it’s easier than you might think. You don’t have to have perfect grammar, sentence structure or talk like a professor. In today’s world where so few Christians live purposely, it is becoming more necessary for everyday people like you and me just to share the testimony God has given us in an authentic, simple way. 

How to write a book for coaching or discipleship is really about breaking things down simply for people, so they can understand how they can receive transformation.  

You know where I began? At 5 am with a journal. I remember a lady telling me early in my walk..”Becky, you have the most simple but captivating thoughts God gives you”. I thought to myself at the time, “That’s nice”. I could never have imagined the simple one liners God was giving me 25 years ago would be used now to encourage people the way they do. And this will blow you away too. 

One of the best strategies I can give you is as you contemplate how to write a book is to believe in the power of getting started. Most people worry to far ahead how God is going to expand them when they haven’t even harnessed their thoughts down on paper or a laptop. Give God something to work with. It’s hard for him to guide a stationary bus.

I have no seminary experience, no one taught me how to write a book, I had no formal writing training, no business classes and majored in Criminology in college. I got B’s in my college writing courses. I have been part of top sales teams with “accidental success”.  You know what impresses God and people in your life? Your faith and boldness! That is what the Father affirms!  Believe if you block time towards your goals (especially in writing) you will be used for HIS glory.

Some of you are wondering how to write a book and the truth is you have a book or two or three in you.

Here are three simple tips on how you can get started today. 

1. Start blocking 1 hour a day to write down specific thoughts on what you think will help the people you want to reach be successful. Seriously. Get up with a cup of coffee and EXPECT that God is going to give you more clarity. Watch how your mind begins throughout the day to perceive more and more strategies.

2. Begin to just write from a conversational tone of voice, like you were writing to a best friend. Part of what makes a coaching manual compelling is you are authentic. Be yourself, tell stories about why you think they will want to do it this way. If you have received a particular revelation, try your best to help people catch it and then give them a scripture to tie it in.

3. Share your pain and what you specifically did to process that hurt that made you successful. It will give God glory and your clients will find you much more relatable. Remember, it’s simplicity that makes you great not elevating yourself over others.

Are you ready to take action and get started writing your own discipleship or coaching content? Join my leadership team! 

Becky Harmon is an identity coach, intercessor and business leader. Her success in these arenas has placed her in demand as a personal advisor to ministry and marketplace leaders world-wide. Her personal experience of growing up in an alcoholic home, struggling with how to overcome food & alcohol addictions, depression, and financial sabotages through her identity in Christ rather than self-help, led her to develop her own out of the box coaching systems. To discover the specific attacks that accompany each part of your walk with Christ and the strategies you can implement to be an overcomer,  order 4 Phases of Spiritual Warfare. Available on Amazon and Kindle. 

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